Don't Be Nice

I am probably the last person in the world who should be writing this post.

I hate conflict and confrontation. I don’t like to tell someone that they are wrong and I will suffer in silence rather than step on somebody’s toes. In other words, I am notoriously nice.

In his spectacular book WILD at HEART, John Eldredge discusses masculinity and the need for men to reclaim their masculine heart.  Eldredge tackles the topic of niceness remarkably.  He reminds us men of when we were but little boys and asks:

“In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream of becoming a Nice Guy?”

Ouch. How many of us have grown up to realize that our dreams of being a warrior and a hero have faded away and we have become passive and content with mediocrity?

 Growing up I remember being the daring fireman, the wild cowboy, and the dangerous mountain man. There was always excitement and adventure to be found. In my dreams I was dangerous.  I never hurt anyone, save perhaps the bad guy by necessity, but I was dangerous nonetheless and did what had to be done despite the risks and personal loss.

That was the dream.

Now when I look at myself, I see a work in progress.

There is more to me than my niceness.  I have a daring, wild side as well. I love adventure of all kinds.  I love the outdoors.  Despite my desperate fear of heights, I love rock climbing and hiking up steep mountains and sliding down waterfalls.  I have wrestled men and hogs more than twice my weight, chased down wild horses, killed many a creature for my food, and the list goes on.  These are the things that make me come alive.  The part of my heart that is wild is the only part of my heart that is free. God has placed in my masculine heart the desire to protect, to provide, and to do what has to be done. All of my adventures are fruits and expressions of these desires.

So despite being nice, I am also dangerous in my own way, and perhaps in a seemingly traditional or even stereotypical way. But there is still a fear inside of me and a section of my heart that is not wild or free.

My good friend pointed out to me that I am wild and dangerous when it comes to the outdoors.  But, he  wisely said, I need to make that same dangerousness carry over into my social life and my relationships.

This means speaking up and saying what is hard to say and hard for the other to hear.  This means accepting the risk of rejection and acting without hesitation.  A man does what has to be done, no matter what the personal cost.

I greatly struggle with this.  Tell me to skin a cow and I’ll be the first one done.  Tell me to call someone out for injustice and I’ll often freeze up.

A valued mentor of mine helped me to come up with a system, or a mentality to help with this.  Davy Crockett was a childhood hero of mine.  Heroic legends of daring surround him and my seven year old self would love to see me in his shoes.  I now have what I call “Davy Crockett Moments”.


Fulfilling a Childhood Dream-At the Alamo

These are times when I allow my wild side to bridge over to other aspects of my life. When I act out of strength in order to confront someone or right a wrong, it goes on a list of victories, or at least valiant attempts.  



In this business, a valiant attempt is often as good as success, and infinitely better than no attempt at all, regardless the outcome.  Inaction due to fear is one of the greatest enemies of the masculine heart.  

I would much prefer to die doing something I love, something important and adventurous, than to die in the dull safety of my comfortable bed. Either way I am going to die.

Likewise, I should prefer to adventurously risk the pain of embarrassment and rejection at speaking out of Christian charity, than to live the shame and guilt of not having done my duty. There is pain either way.

I want to challenge all of you men to put away your niceness and to become wild men, dangerous for the Lord.  Christ was not nice, nor is niceness a virtue.  To be nice is to be pleasant and agreeable, and today this often comes with a compromise.  As men we are called to more than pleasantries. Be kind, that is, considerate and generous, but challenge yourself to be more than nice.  Be the daring man who will do whatever it takes to protect, provide, and cultivate in himself the virtues which instill true masculinity within us.

"Be firm. Be virile. Be a man. And then... be a saint". -Josemaria Escriva